I am thinking…mostly about Adrian. In the last two months he has been showing some real obsessive tendencies. At first I thought it was just the normal weird kid stuff, but now I think that I am going to have to learn all I can about OCD. It's not anything really bizarre, which is why I have been able to sort of look the other way, but he has sort of obsessive thoughts about certain things, and I think this may be why he has suddenly become my little shadow. My heart breaks for him, because I see that it causes him anxiety, and I just want him to be a happy, carefree five year old.
I am thankful for…this is a hard one this morning. I guess I have to say that I am thankful for food on the table, a roof over our heads and this terrible cold finally coming to an end. Gemma was smiling last night, and nursing with ease for the first time in nearly a week. My milk supply, however, is in serious decline after all of this, and so I guess I'll be guzzling Mother's Milk Tea and lots of fluids.
From the kitchen...Bacon, eggs and biscuits. I think. Una has some sort of a menu plan worked out for the week...
I am creating…a sweater for my niece, due in March. I have already made a mistake about a million stitches ago, and will have to figure out a way to live with it. I am also doing another pair of Mary Jane booties for Gemma, which is a nice "take-along" project for the van, being quite uncomplicated. Gemma is nearly 8 months old, but has such tiny feet that nothing fits her except a pair of newborn Old Navy shoes and the booties I have made.
I am reading ... nothing but my daily scripture reading. Between the new schedule I am trying to stick to and a little bit of knitting, I have no time to read.
I am hoping...to get back into our routines after a week in "survival-mode".
I am hearing…Dominic, making every attempt to annoy his older brothers. I tell you, the child has no self-preservation skills at all! It will be a wonder if he lives to see his next birthday, the way he enjoys provoking us all!
A few plans for the rest of the week: Just getting back to routines, really. Today, and every other Monday, is our day for a trip to a local food bank and then on to the library. School on these days usually consists of reading (them to me and me to them), and some sort of art or craft project. I guess our craft projects will be geared towards Valentine's Day this week.
I am praying...to the best of my meager abilities. In blogging I try to be honest and real, and not cover up the rough spots in my life (those sorts of blogs turn me off completely); then again, I have no desire to stand naked before the world on this blog and reveal everything that goes on in my life and in my heart. I will say this much: I am going through what most certainly can be termed a Dark Night of the Soul. I thought I had experienced this before, but this is much deeper. God is hidden and my faith is teetering on the edge of nothingness, and my life seems like Pandora's box, where only Hope remains. I am hanging in there, and praying to Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta, who knew the same blackness. And I am hearing what my sister said about such bleak times in one's spiritual life: "Sometimes it's a matter of just going through the motions." I will pray, I will receive the sacraments, I will do our family rosary--even if I can't discern any point to it right now, since I don't really feel as though God is listening...
Picture Thought: He can sleep just about anywhere, as long as Pooh is near...
Oh Nadja, how difficult about little Adrian! Have you considered trying the supplement inositol? It is a relative of the B-vitamins, and fairly harmless (don't worry about overdose), available over the counter, and one of the supplements we treat Mr R with. It really helps with obsessive thoughts and anxiety.
ReplyDeleteDear Nadja - I am praying for you and thinking of you. Following on from what I emailed you - here is quote:
ReplyDeleteIf God causes you to suffer much, it is a sign that He has great designs for you, and that He certainly intends to make you a saint. And if you wish to become a great saint, entreat Him yourself to give you much opportunity for suffering; for there is no wood better to kindle the fire of holy love than the wood of the cross, which Christ used for His own great sacrifice of boundless charity.
(Saint Ignatius of Loyola)
Milehimama, I will certainly look into that--thank you for the tip.
ReplyDeleteMarilyn dear, I am far too much the coward to ask God for opportunities to suffer; what I do is to beg Him to grant me the strength I need to carry me through those sufferings I cannot escape...
Our lives are completely separate, and really we are strangers, but I am so glad you posted so honestly. Our 7 y/o is clearly showing signs of OCD. I have been reading a lot about it. I love our pediatrician. He has been our doctor for 16 years, and we will be seeing him in March for her normal yearly check. I am anxious to hear what he has to say, and know I can trust him.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I am trying to distract her when she starts up, and I am making sure her diet is high in protein and watching sugar intake. It is affecting her sleep as well. I am giving her 1/2 of the lowest does of melatonin, which has helped her settle down at night.
She is the cutest child... bright with a really adorable dry wit. So full of energy and life. This came on very abruptly with no apparent cause just a few weeks ago. It saddens me greatly.
I think H1N1 may be the trigger, but I don't know. Everywhere we go there is talk of it and hand sanitizer is set out everywhere. Our pastor decide a while ago not offer the Blood of Christ until the end of flu season. Her dance teachers have the children hand sanitize before and after class. And, her biggest quirk recently has been not wanting to touch anything.
Oh, this is far too long, but I have been crying and praying for weeks now. I will pray for you and your son.
PEACE
Dear Nadja - I hope the quote did not sound flippant. I am right there with you - in fact if I could run away from suffering I would - believe me. But I believe that all your suffering IS because you are so close to our Lord - the more work we do for God, the greater our trials and sufferings. You WILL get through the dark night and there will be a beautiful sunrise waiting.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for Adrian too - not much experience but lots of prayers.
Hugs and hugs
Annita, I will pray for your daughter when I pray for Adrian.
ReplyDeleteMarilyn--truly, no offense taken!
Thanks for the glimpse into your beautiful and real life. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteNadja, I will put in my prayers for this specifically: your son AND this patch in your spiritual life. It is hard. Unspeakably so. I was there, this summer, a similar spot I believe. In Africa and after I came home. Terrifying, dark, dry, gone....it seemed. My head and husband told me different, but OH, it was like all removed.
ReplyDeleteThat said...this is something to persevere through and know in your head, or hear it again, that God won't let go. And I read once, long ago, that prayers that we WILL ourselves to do, might just 'count" the most. I find that a comfort sometimes....
And OCD is not one of of the issues among my kids, but we have many others and I have good ears if you ever want to talk or type about it all.
You're in my prayers. M
Dear, dear Nadja...
ReplyDeleteI will pray and offer my suffering for yours, my dear. I know only too well the pain of that "dark night..." There is little in the realm of physical suffering that can compare to the soul laid bare. Know that your God loves you and walks with you in this desert...and friends are praying for you...
God bless you and keep you...
I am touched, Kimberly, as I know how very much you have been suffering. but the prayers of friends have indeed made a difference, and I can feel the strength coming back and can rest assured that even if I am not thoroughly convinced that God hears me, He most certainly hears my friends!
ReplyDeleteNadja,
ReplyDeleteMy son is 11 1/2 now but when he was your sons age he also exhibited OCd like symptoms. They wee more severe in the winter when he didn't get as much sunlight so I had him sit in the sun at the window to do his schoolwork. I also gsve him Nordic Naturals Children's DHA each day. It did lessen the severity. I even took him to a pediatric neurologist who said that he had a mild form of Tourette's Syndrome. Now at 11 1/2 he seems to be outgrowing it, just as the neurologist said that he probably would by puberty.
Also i wanted ro mention that all of my kids, when the hit the age of 6-7 start worrying more about good and evil and their place in ti all. I got lots of "confessions" form all of them at that age but by 8 they had all outgrown that stage.
Just some food for thought from a longtime lurker of your blog-God bless you and your family!
Cathy
Cathy, thanks for the ray of hope! I have been giving the kids vitamin D for the last few weeks, as our raw milk isn't fortified like the stuff from the store. And although I do give the kids cod liver oil, I have been spotty about it in recent weeks, and am working to be diligent again.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had the scrupulosity with the older kids (or is it that I don't remember it?), so it has had me concerned. He worries about silly stuff being "bad", but apparently sassing me or hitting his brother isn't a worry to him!